


The Talk

by tzzzz



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Ancient Devices, F/M, Getting Together, M/M, Pining, Pining John Sheppard, Talking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-31
Updated: 2013-10-31
Packaged: 2017-12-31 01:23:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,293
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1025655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tzzzz/pseuds/tzzzz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jennifer drags John along on a mission so they can talk about Rodney. Things do not go as well as she planned.</p><p>Aka. the one where John would literally rather die than talk about his feelings.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Talk

**Author's Note:**

> Written for sga_santa. The prompt was some combination of team friendship, action, adventure, non-schmoopy mcshep, Rodney/Jennifer, femmeslash, slash, funny, dark, and gut wrenching.
> 
> Thanks to dossier for betaing.

 

John looked to his side, watching Keller's perfect blond hair bounce lightly with each step, a smile on her face even though they were hiking in the rain and had a few miles to go before they made camp. Sure, the giant redwood-like trees kept most of the rain from reaching the underbrush, but it was a miserable mission nonetheless. He actually missed Rodney's complaining. No, of course he missed Rodney's complaining. He missed  _Rodney_. And it was all the fault of the woman walking next to him.   
  
"I'm glad we got the chance to do this, Colonel," Keller said, her smile turning a little plastic all of a sudden.  
  
"You mean deliver inoculations to the Thesians?"  
  
"No, I mean that we have the chance to talk."  
  
John wanted to protest that he wasn't good at talking. He was the expert at not talking. And if Jennifer wanted to talk to someone, she should torture the guy who was at least getting laid out of it, not John.   
  
"You didn't have to wait for a three day mission to talk to me." Unless Keller expected the conversation to last three days, in which case at least John had plenty of weapons with which to blow his brains out.  
  
Keller rolled her eyes. "You and I have never even been alone in a room together, Colonel."  
  
John begged to differ. He'd spent a lot of time alone with Keller after he got skewered by a piece of a building and just a few months ago, he'd come down with the Pegasus Pox and Keller had been the only one he'd seen while in quarantine.   
  
"When you're either sedated or feverish doesn't count," she added, reading his mind.  
  
John tried his patented Lieutenant Colonel Pout, but Keller seemed immune. Then again, if she could deny Rodney's puppy-dog eyes, she could ignore anything. "Look, John - may I call you John?"  
  
John shrugged. He really didn't think they were that familiar. It'd taken Rodney nearly three years to use John's first name, and they were best friends.   
  
Keller smiled at his indifference, plowing on. "John, I know you and I don't exactly get along, but I think that for Rodney's sake we should try to get to know each other. I'm his girlfriend and you're his best friend and after he asks me to marry him, we'll have to at least pretend to be friendly."  
  
John frowned. Sure, he tended to avoid Keller, especially when she had herself all wrapped around Rodney. But, he was positive that even if Rodney wasn't dating her, he still wouldn't be best friends with her. He thought he'd done his best to be his usual charming self, however, considering that she was Rodney's girlfriend and John's doctor. He really didn't want to annoy her, but apparently she was much more sensitive than he'd given her credit for. "I think we're okay, doc."  
  
Keller kept walking, pushing aside a low hanging branch and letting it snap back in John's face. He couldn't be sure if that was deliberate. In fact, that was one of the things that bothered John the most about Keller. He couldn't tell if she was deliberately manipulating Rodney half the time or just ignorant of how desperate Rodney was to find the perfect girl, even if he had to change his personality to do it.  
  
Well, that was  _one_  reason. John tried not to think of the other reason. The stupid crush had grown with time, from a simple appreciation of Rodney's beautiful biceps to encompass friendship and admiration and eventually, though John was loath to admit it, love. And Rodney, the bastard, had done nothing to discourage it, even when he was dating other people. He was jealous and possessive when it came to John's own dalliances with women and he was always  _touching_  John, just enough to remind John of the few times they  _had_  gotten together and how good it could be.  
  
"Of course you think we're fine. You always think everything is fine. And wWhile you're lucky that Rodney is too thick-skulled to notice,  _I_  notice and I think you owe it to me to at least tell me why." She stopped, putting her hands on her hips and looking far too much like John's meanest nanny growing up. "I think I've bent over to try to get to know you and you push me away at every turn. You owe me answers, at the very least."  
  
"Fine," John acknowledged, feeling trapped. Of course, she had deliberately trapped him, he realized now. The Thesians had an EM shield much like what John called Planet Lord of the Flies, but it extended all the way to the gate. They were willing to trade access to their shielding technology for medical assistance. Unfortunately, the gate was a day's hike away and half the village was sick with the Pegasus Pox. While the vaccine Keller had developed was effective, she had recommended that only John accompany her, because thus far he was the only expedition member who'd suffered through the thing enough to develop a natural immunity. It had sounded a little like b.s. at the time, but Woolsey had bought it, so now John was stuck here with Keller.  
  
Now, John just had no idea what to even say. Keller was a nice enough person. He definitely couldn't tell her about him and Rodney, so the only remaining thing to do was to tell someone who had been nothing but nice to him that he simply didn't like her. "I guess it takes me a while to warm up to people," he hedged.  
  
"You go running with Amelia."  
  
"Only when Ronon wants to leave the two of us in the dust!"  
  
"And you and Kanaan drink beer together on the pier." Because Rodney was too preoccupied with Keller to go drinking with John. Kanaan wasn't Rodney, but he was actually a lot of fun. The Athosians had far too many drinking games.  
  
"That's a guy thing."  
  
"I drink beer too," Keller pointed out.  
  
"Look," John begged. "Not everyone can be best buddies. I like you, but you're my doctor."  
  
"Carson was your doctor and the two of you--"  
  
John was starting to get really frustrated now. How did Rodney even put up with this stuff? Was Keller really that great of a lay? "Do you really think that if your weren't dating Rodney the two of us would be friends?" he blurted out.  
  
Keller looked genuinely hurt for a moment, frowning, but she rallied, fixing him with a firm stare. "As your doctor, I have to object to what you put your body through, but I admire what you do. You're smart and from what little I can tell the few times I've been allowed to come to team night, you seem like a lot of fun. So, yes, even if you weren't my boyfriend's best friend, I'd still want to be friends with you. That means you have some kind of problem with me." Keller let out a defeated sigh, even though she continued to meet John's eyes. "That's fine. I can accept that. I just really love Rodney and he loves me and I guess he loves you too and I don't want any awkwardness between the two of us to hurt his happiness."  
  
She didn't know the half of it, John thought, morosely. He'd always been a little disturbed by Keller, even before she got together with Rodney. He still hadn't forgotten that comment about playing with his insides. And she was always so insecure in both herself and her work. It ruined his confidence in her as a doctor and that was another factor he just didn't need to deal with in terms of command. She was still a child in so many ways and incapable of making the tough choices decisively enough for John to trust her in a crunch. At home and in the military, John had always been taught that indecision came out of weakness, and he honestly thought that Keller didn't belong in Pegasus, though it wasn't his prerogative to reassign her.   
  
The thing that bothered him most, however, was that he might have the clout to get her sent home, if that was what he truly believed, but he'd lost so much objectivity when it came to anything to do with Rodney that he couldn't be sure if he honestly doubted her abilities or if he just wanted her gone. No one else had raised any concerns and  _Elizabeth_ had put Keller in charge. John couldn't trust his opinion over Elizabeth's if he already knew he wasn't being objective. The time to object had long passed, anyhow. John couldn't do it without breaking Rodney's heart.  
  
"You don't have to worry about  _me_  doing anything to hurt Rodney. Now, if you wouldn't mind, this is a mission, not a therapy session and we need to make another three miles before dark."  
  
Keller looked as though she wanted to argue, but she tightened her jaw and flounced onwards. John had a feeling they weren't done, but he'd take what he could get.  
  
***  
  
The sun had started to set, but Colonel Sheppard showed no signs of stopping. Of course he didn't. The man would walk until his shoes were bloody before he'd stop and talk to her. But Jennifer wasn't about to stop him. She could at least do her job and follow his orders. If he liked nothing else about her, at least he could appreciate that.  
  
Jennifer couldn't help but think about his words. He'd said that without Rodney they definitely had no chance of ever being friends. Jennifer just didn't understand that. She was like Rodney in a lot of ways. She certainly shared his sarcastic sense of humor and she liked beer and football and rock climbing and a lot of the things Sheppard enjoyed on top of that. He kept himself relatively isolated outside of his team, but he'd allowed Carson in. Besides, Jennifer genuinely like Sheppard. He was charming and funny and he reminded her of a lot of the good Minnesota boys she'd grown up with, with a few extra layers of complexity thrown in.  
  
She'd gotten Rodney to fall in love with her even though she was fifteen years younger and not nearly as smart. She could at least make Sheppard  _like_  her if she tried hard enough. "So who do you like for the Rose Bowl this year?" she asked. "USC, like always?"  
  
Sheppard shrugged. "Their new quarterback is still a little green," he answered before moving on, stepping even further away from her.  
  
Of course it wasn't that easy. Jennifer wished, not for the first or last time, that she could just be 'one of the guys.' Men like Sheppard really did bother her sometimes, even when she'd grown up around them. Something about his so-called "womanizing" was off. Rodney was a little bit of a letch, by his own admission, but Sheppard's so-called manliness seemed almost too cliche to be real. Jennifer hated to think it, but maybe Sheppard secretly hated women. He respected women professionally, but he'd been a real jerk about Teyla's pregnancy and had never seemed to give Jennifer a chance.  
  
Whatever it was, she'd have to get it out of the way. She could feel Rodney gearing up to propose. The way he telegraphed his every thought was useful sometimes as well as adorable, but Jennifer just knew that he wouldn't ask without approval from Sheppard and Jennifer couldn't help but blame Sheppard for that. Rodney completely worshipped the colonel. As a man-crush it was kind of cute though Jennifer couldn't help but blame Sheppard for not discouraging it. Rodney had been so sapped of confidence in his own life choices that he couldn't seem to survive without someone's approval and since Sheppard had been the first one to really believe in him and to try to take care of him; Rodney had latched on with his usual tenacity.   
  
But Rodney had grown a lot as a person and it was time for Sheppard to let him stand on his own two feet, especially considering that Sheppard wasn't exactly a model for interpersonal relations himself and often indulged some of Rodney's worse habits. The two of them were a co-dependent mess and if Jennifer couldn't draw Rodney out from Sheppard's shadow, then she could at least try to win Sheppard's approval. Once Rodney was her husband, surely he'd be more willing to seek Jennifer's input than Sheppard's and then maybe one day Rodney would let go of his insecurities. She wanted that kind of happiness for him. She wanted him to be a partner instead of a kid looking for approval and love and throwing tantrums when he didn't get them. Jennifer knew it would be a long road there, but for some reason she loved Rodney and she'd make it work.  
  
With that she decided she'd just have to put her foot down. "The sun is almost down, Colonel. I think we should--"  
  
Jennifer was interrupted by Sheppard falling through the forest floor.   
  
"Colonel!" she yelled, rushing forward to look at the hole in the ground where Sheppard had been standing only a moment ago. There were a few cracked branches around the edges of where he'd fallen through. It looked like a trap, but then the whole thing was overgrown with moss and dirt. Maybe it was a natural block covering the slit between two buttress roots of a massive tree, not anything man made. Ronon could tell if he were here. "John, are you okay?" she yelled. It was dark down there but she could see movement. Jennifer belated reached for the gun Sheppard had insisted she carry.  
  
Over the fast beats of her heart, Jennifer could hear a faint moan. "I'm fine." Jennifer sagged in relief. Something rustled and then Sheppard added. "Light's broken on my P-90. You have a flashlight?"  
  
Jennifer pulled a penlight out of her pocket, wondering why she didn't think of it before. She turned it on and then dropped it down to Sheppard. He'd only fallen twelve feet or so into what looked like a bed of moss, but Jennifer still had no idea how to get him back up.   
  
"Cool," Sheppard remarked. "There's some kind of device down here. Maybe another shield. Hold down the fort while I check it out."  
  
Jennifer had a bad feeling about this. It was more than just the apprehensive flutter in her stomach that she got every time she went off-world, but a sinister feeling. She knew in part that it was because in spite of their differences she really did trust Sheppard to protect her and not being able to see him let all her fears of off-world catastrophe come flooding back. On top of that, historically Sheppard's team didn't have the best of luck with Ancient devices.   
  
"Maybe you should wait for a science team before you touch anything."  
  
Silence. Jennifer stuck her head back in the hole but even the light was obscured. Her anxiety ratcheted up another notch. "Colonel!"  
  
No response. What should she do? It was an eight hour walk back to the gate, which would be at night unless she was willing to wait another eight hours for this planet's short day to begin again. No, she'd have to go down there and see what had happened. Jennifer steeled herself, moving to dangle her feet down when the light suddenly returned, illuminating Sheppard's face.  
  
"What happened?" Jennifer asked.  
  
"Nothing. It wouldn't activate. I'm going to get some images using the LSD and place a locator beacon." He dumped off his backpack, digging through it before grabbing a length of rope.   
  
Jennifer extended her hand down and he tossed it up to her. "Tie that around something and I'll be up in no time."  
  
Jennifer was too busy being grateful that nothing had happened to the colonel to really wonder, but by the time she finished securing the rope it nagged at her: why had he scared her like that? It had been nearly a minute after she called to him without a response and it wasn't as though the hole was big enough for him not to have heard. Maybe that was punishment for trying to make him talk about his feelings earlier. Sheppard did seem to have the capacity for passive aggression, but she wouldn't be deterred.  
  
Not a few minutes later after Jennifer pulled up his pack, Sheppard was shimmying out of the hole. He had mud and moss stains all over him, but appeared healthy and whole, perky even. He gave her a brilliant smile when she helped him to his feet, stating, "Well, that was an adventure. Not a completely boring mission after all."  
  
"Sure," Jennifer replied, not mentioning that Sheppard had nearly given her a heart attack.  
  
"This is as good a place as any to make camp," Sheppard announced. How about that area between the two roots over there?"  
  
Jennifer had no idea about this kind of thing so she just nodded, letting Sheppard set up the tarp and the tent and build a small fire. The doctor in her couldn't help but noticing his slight limp as he did so.  
  
When Sheppard tossed her an MRE, Jennifer suggested, "Let me check your leg first."  
  
"Busted," Sheppard moaned, but he was cooperative enough, rolling up his pant leg to reveal a hearty bruise forming on his left kneecap.   
  
"That doesn't look too bad, but if you expect to walk on it tomorrow, I'd prefer you ice it a little during dinner then keep it straight and elevated the rest of the night."  
  
Sheppard shrugged. "You're the doc."  
  
Jennifer cracked a cold-pack and handed it to him, surprised when Sheppard started talking about USC's new quarterback and the outlandish claims Mitchell sent about Nebraska with each game he sent John in the data-burst.   
  
Maybe this was how things worked in guy world. You had a fight, one of you fell into a hole, you talked about football and everything was somehow okay. Jennifer sure as hell hoped so, at least.  
  
***  
  
John tossed the cold-pack into the trash pile, looking out into the forest. He could hear night creatures stirring out there - an owl-like thing gently hooter and the soft pitter-patter of rain dropping on big leaves, but there were no sounds of anything loud.  
  
Nothing but John and his own stupid thoughts. Rodney was going to ask Keller to marry him. Keller wasn't a bad person, even though she and John would never be good friends. He couldn't begrudge Rodney that happiness, even if Keller seemed wrong for him.   
  
John looked over at the tent, where Keller was sleeping. Bad enough that Rodney wanted her, but she was changing the dynamic of John's friendship with Rodney and John really couldn't stand that. Sometimes he saw her and wished she was just  _gone_.   
  
A twig snapped somewhere in the forest and John looked around for the direction. Bushes rustled, and not just with the wind. John was no Ronon, but he'd been doing this for years now and he knew this tingle running down his spine well enough to trust it. The sound was close. John flipped on the penlight he'd taped to his P-90 and stalked towards it, gun raised. The light was weak - Keller used it for checking concussions, not seeing well in the dark. It barely penetrated ten feet into the darkness.  
  
It came from behind the tree where John had fallen earlier. He carefully skirted the hole and sneaked around the wide trunk, stumbling a little as he climbed up a massive root. He became aware of movement at the corner of his vision too late, swinging around to find only the lazy swing of an understory bush where something had disturbed it only seconds earlier.   
  
John held still listening for the slightest sound. The weak wind that had tumbled through the forest earlier finally died down and John could hear the weak pant of something breathing. John knew it was just a trick of the mind, but it seemed to be coming from all around him. He advanced cautiously.  
  
Movement exploded out of the brush to his left and John barely had time to fire before whatever it was bowled him over. It looked like a black mass for all he could see, but the pain in his arm was evidence enough of its solidity. Maybe John had managed to wound it, because it gave off a pathetic, almost human-sounding yell as it passed, running off into the night.  
  
John was only stunned a second before he exploded to his feet, ignoring the throbbing in his arm to rush back towards camp and the tent where Keller was sleeping. She'd turned on a flashlight and John could just make out the silhouette of the creature that had attacked him against the glow. It was dense, maybe crouched down, ready to strike. John fired a warning shot, not wanting to risk hitting Keller. The creature turned to him and John raised his P-90 to catch it in the light, but it ducked to the ground, rolling in a mass of black behind another bush, then off into the night. John gave chase, but the damn thing was fast and he found himself stumbling over another root and banging his already-bruised knee. When he looked up again, he'd lost the thing and the wind had picked up again, masking the sound.  
  
"Colonel!" Jennifer shouted, running up behind him, gun not even out of her holster. "I heard shots fired."  
  
"Something attacked me," John panted, hand going to his right arm now and feeling the warm trickle of blood. "Could've been an animal. Maybe a person. It was quick, though."  
  
"The Thesians said there were no large predators in the forest," Jennifer said, helping John to his feet and back to their camp.   
  
"Well, either that's not a predator or the Thesians were lying to us. Either way, we should head back to the Gate."  
  
Jennifer shook her head. "We can't. Without treatment or vaccination Pegasus Pox is lethal in 25% of cases. If we don't get the medicine to them, people will die."  
  
"People who are lying to us?" John grunted as Keller helped him sit down on a log they'd placed by the dying embers of the campfire.   
  
"We don't know that. It could be something they don't know about. The Thesians only discovered this planet and its shielding system ten years ago. It could be their version of bigfoot. Or worse, a Wraith."  
  
John shook his head. "Didn't move like one. Could've been bandits. If this world hasn't been historically populated then maybe someone else is staking their claim."  
  
Keller nodded, dropping her light on the ground. "Now let me take a look at you."  
  
John kept his P-90 raised and his eyes peeled as she stripped off his jacket. It felt weirdly intimate to have her leaning into his space. She smelled sweet, even though he could see a nervous sweat building on her brow. Her touches were gentle, too, when she tisked at the bloody gash on his bicep right over the two bullet scars he already had there. "What is it with you and this arm?" Keller asked.   
  
John didn't bother shrugging, just gritting his teeth when Keller started to clean and bandage the wound. "Dawn will break in another two hours," Keller noted, glancing at her watch. "You didn't wake me for my watch," she scolded.  
  
"I couldn't sleep. Figured there was no need to wake you. What's the damage?"  
  
"It's a tearing wound, like the others on this arm. But you didn't hear a shot fired, so it can't be a bullet wound unless you shot yourself."  
  
"Definitely not. Might've hit the thing, though."  
  
"Could it have ricocheted?"  
  
"Maybe, if it had some kind of chitinous hide or a human with really advanced body armor."  
  
"Then it's most likely claw marks. It's too jagged for a knife. If you hit it maybe we can find blood or something at daybreak."  
  
John nodded. "When Atlantis radios in, we'll get backup. I'd really like to have Ronon here right about now."  
  
"I second that." Keller finished bandaging John's arm easily, moving on to wrap his already-swelling knee in an ace bandage and applying another icepack. John tossed back a few ibuprofen and leaned back against the tree trunk while Keller packed up camp. They resolved to push through to the village tomorrow, leaving the tent and all non-essential supplies to allow them to move faster.   
  
After sitting in awkward silence for an hour waiting for Keller to try "talking" again, it was almost a relief when she tentatively asked, "So, are we good now?"  
  
"We're fine."  
  
"Then why do I get the feeling that you're just humoring me?"  
  
John sighed. It was his ex-wife all over again. "I'm not. Look, there's some creature out there, possibly hunting us and you want to talk about relationship problems that you and I don't have because you're in a relationship with Rodney and not me. So what if we're not best friends? What difference does it make?"  
  
Keller's voice wobbled, like she might be crying, even though John couldn't see her in the darkness. "Because if he has to choose between you and me, I don't know who he'll pick."  
  
Good. John had the same fear. Keller had already gotten Rodney to do so much - leave work at reasonable hours, be nicer to his lab assistants, wear an argyle sweater on one memorable occasion before John took pity on him and spilled coffee on it. If she could do that, then she had enough power to get rid of John. Rodney loved her and he definitely didn't love John.  
  
"What makes you think he'll pick me anyway?" John snapped. "You're his girlfriend."  
  
"He's had other girlfriends."  
  
"Look, I don't want to fight anymore. Let's just promise each other that we will never make Rodney choose between us and get back to hunting monsters in  _silence_."  
  
"Fine. I agree never to make Rodney give up his friendship with you to be with me."  
  
"And I promise never to tell Rodney that being with you will cost him his friendship with me. Are we good  _now_?"  
  
"We're good."   
  
John almost fired his gun when her hand came out of the darkness to pat him on the arm, but he wasn't about to tell her that.  
  
***  
  
Dawn broke with news on the radio that Atlantis would be sending through two more teams as backup. Ronon and a team of the fastest marines would double-time it over to meet up with Jennifer and John to accompany them to the village. Rodney, Teyla, and Teldy's team would check out the ruins they'd found yesterday.  
  
Early on, Jennifer began to doubt that they would make it to the village before sunset. Colonel Sheppard's sprained knee kept the pace down. Jennifer could practically feel his frustration. If he were her only patient, he'd be on a stretcher back to Atlantis, but she'd learned long ago that she couldn't out-stubborn him when there were lives at stake and in this case she actually agreed - making it safely to the village was important enough for Sheppard to be off his feet for a week from overworking his knee.  
  
"Let's take a break for a second," Jennifer suggested, exaggerating her own exhaustion.   
  
Sheppard waved her away when she moved to help him sit down.  
  
"Why do you do this to yourself?" Jennifer blurted out.  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"You're clearly in pain, yet you keep going and you refuse pain medication."  
  
"We have to get to the village."  
  
"I can go on my own. If I run, I can make it by nightfall."  
  
"No." Jennifer wasn't expecting any different answer. "We stick together. We have no idea if that thing is even nocturnal. I can't let you go alone."  
  
"So you're the only one who gets to put his neck on the line? Only you get to fly suicide missions. Don't think I haven't heard Rodney complain about it. You know he wakes up nights calling your name, asking you not to go. Before I was there to tell him it was just a dream, he'd walk by your quarters with a lifesigns detector to reassure himself you hadn't died in a suicide mission."  
  
"I go because it's my job and my responsibility to protect people and I can't let them down. I'm the one with the least to lose, and I can't ask any of my subordinates to do something I wouldn't do myself."  
  
Jennifer had predicted that answer. She remembered her psych rotation well enough to know John's type - ostensibly an altruist, but deep down insecure, feeding the insecurity both with the belief that only he is capable of saving people and the belief that his life was worth less than others, because he was guilty about something. The question that had always trouble Jennifer was what Sheppard had to be guilty for. For every life lost on his watch, he'd saved at least ten. Utility-wise he was probably the second most valuable person in the city after Rodney.  
  
"You don't have the least to lose, John."  
  
"I don't have a family who would mourn me."  
  
"You have friends who have nightmares about you dying."  
  
John shook his head. "I'm just another guy with a special gene. Now, I think this break is over."  
  
Jennifer didn't try to stop him from rising stiffly to his feet, but she wouldn't let the discussion end there. "After all the times you've saved the city and the galaxy, you couldn't possibly think that."  
  
"So I'm lucky. There's no way to know if someone else wouldn't have done as well. Hell, in another reality, I'm a scientist and Sumner still runs the military and they were in less of a mess than we are."  
  
Jennifer had read the report on Rod's universe, but that was just one. "With all your knowledge and experience and your gene, you can't honestly tell me that you think that we're better off losing you than one of the marines who is barely out of high school and only does right by following your orders."  
  
"They have more potential. I didn't even think I'd live this long and I haven't done anything to make my life valuable. I--"  
  
That's when the attack happened. A black figure bowled into Sheppard and before Jennifer could raise her gun or call on the radio, it was upon her. She fell back against a log and felt pain exploding at the back of her head. Then everything went black.  
  
***  
  
"What does it say?" Mehra asked for about the thirtieth time. Why did he have to be trapped in a hole with the most annoying woman ever? And how in the hell had John even found this place? Only Colonel Klutzy-pants could possibly fall into the one secret ancient device hole in a forest full of perfectly safe ground.  
  
Rodney rolled his eyes. "For the last time, I'm not a linguist. Something about a secret. Revealing secrets, something. We're waiting for the linguists to dial back with a translation."  
  
"Do you think this has anything to do with the creature that attacked the Colonel?"  
  
"How should I know?"  
  
"You are a genius. Or is this another one of your slumps?"  
  
"You know what, if you had even a fraction of my genius I would-- Oh, just go over there. Guard, or something."  
  
Rodney had every faith that Mehra would obey him, but Major Teldy shouting down from above certainly helped. "Dusty, if you're bothering Doctor McKay again, I'm overriding my movie night veto and letting Allison pick the 'Hours.'"  
  
Rodney shuddered. That sounded like suitable punishment to him. In fact, he liked Major Teldy. He could see why John was always hanging around her.  
  
Rodney looked down at the readings on the device once again, trying to puzzle them out. The EM field was different here. It completely disabled most Earth tech, but it seemed to supercharge some of the Ancient devices. Luckily, they all carried the Ancient radios Radek had discovered not long ago.   
  
The device was ATA controlled. Rodney recognized some of the sensor inputs, but the question was  _what_  actually activated it. He and John had spent hours in the lab trying to identify a way to determine which mental commands activated a device by looking at its programming, but ultimately you needed someone like John, who could receive mental feedback from the device if you wanted to know and only some devices gave the operator mental feedback. Others were meant only to be activated by a specific mental intention and Rodney suspected that this was one of them.   
  
"It looks like we're in the realm of the linguists," he complained under his breath.  
  
***  
  
Ronon loped through the forest, having left his team of marines behind half an hour ago. He was getting close and it felt good to stretch his limbs and just go all out, the sweat on his brow, the soft soil of the forest soft beneath his feet. And that sweet shot of adrenaline pushing him harder than he could ever go running through the sterile corridors of Atlantis.  
  
He'd done this for seven years on the run, but now instead of being the hunted, he was the hunter. He'd find Sheppard, who had gone off radio a half hour ago, and then he'd hunt down whatever had tried to hurt his team leader. Ronon's blood boiled with anticipation.  
  
Something rustled in the underbrush up ahead. Movement. There was a low whining whimper accompanying the motion, like an animal. Ronon drew his blaster, listening for the familiar cadence of Sheppard's gate, but the thing was tearing through the underbrush, wild.   
  
It made so much noise that Ronon didn't bother with a silent approach. He simply burst through the bushes into a wide clearing, gun drawn.  
  
"Sheppard?" he asked, lowering his weapon.  
  
Sheppard held Keller tight by the hand and was yanking her through the forest, his eyes dark, pupils blown wide. She appeared to be the one whimpering.  
  
Sheppard didn't answer.  
  
"Did you lose your radio?" Sheppard didn't have his tac vest or his gun either.  
  
Sheppard didn't even stop. He was moving back in the direction of the gate now, when he'd said that he and Jennifer would be moving towards the village.  
  
"You're going the wrong way, buddy," Ronon admonished, the hairs on the back of his neck standing up. Something was very wrong about this situation.  
  
He tightened his hand on the gun but didn't raise it, striding forward to grab Sheppard and make his stop, talk, give Ronon something.   
  
When his hand closed on Sheppard's arm, he wasn't expecting the inhuman growl that answered him or the swift blow to the jaw before Ronon could block him.   
  
Ronon stumbled back, raising his gun. "John? Don't make me shoot you."  
  
The violence had caused Jennifer to stumble also and now he could finally see her face he froze. Her mouth was gagged with a field bandage and her eyes were scared. Blood dripped down her face like tears from the weeping wounds that crisscrossed her cheeks. They were jagged, not like the clean edge of a knife wound. Sheppard's hands were bloody. Something had happened to him and Ronon wasn't going to wait find out what. He fired his weapon, set to stun, but Sheppard didn't drop. It appeared to pass right through him. He smirked then, lifted Jennifer up and continued onwards.  
  
Ronon followed, flipping his weapon to kill but not willing to use it just yet. Sheppard didn't seem to object to him following and so long as he and Jennifer were safe, Ronon could afford to wait to hear what McKay had found. He activated his radio.  
  
***

"We found Colonel Sheppard," Corporal Hendricks announced on the radio.  
  
"I just found Sheppard," Ronon's growl replied.  
  
It was going to be one of  _those_  missions Anne Teldy thought with a mental groan. "I take it you aren't both in the same place?"  
  
"No, ma'am, Ronon followed tracks and we stayed on the trail," Hendricks answered. "Colonel Sheppard, at least the one we found, is unconscious. I don't see any obvious head wound, just the previous injuries Dr. Keller described over the radio."  
  
"My Sheppard doesn't have any injuries," Ronon answered. "He didn't go down when I stunned him and he won't talk. He has Keller hostage but he's moving back in your direction voluntarily. Should I shoot him?"  
  
"Hold off for now," Anne ordered. Sheppard had been very specific about Ronon's trigger finger. "If he becomes violent, you have my permission to fire, but let's not add any other problems to this situation until the scientists can explain to me why we have two of the colonel. Hendricks, bring your Sheppard back here."  
  
"Yes, Ma'am."  
  
McKay was still down in the hollow with the device, though Anne knew he'd been listening to the conversation over the radio. The fact that he hadn't said anything meant that he probably had no clue what was going on.  
  
Anne moved over to where Allison was sitting, going over data on her computer. "What's going on?"  
  
"It has to be the device. This didn't happen on any of our previous trips here. There's no doubt the machine is somehow Ascension related; I just got word in from Linguistics. They think that the proper translation is, 'only through revelation of secrets can one release the burdens that separate souls from their immortal destiny.'"  
  
"It doesn't say anything about splitting people into their good and bad selves, does it?"  
  
Allison shook her head. "The device doesn't have enough power to do that."  
  
"Wrong, wrong, absolutely wrong!" said a voice from the hole a few feet away. McKay's whining was no more pleasing amplified by echo.   
  
"Thanks for that astute assessment, Dr. McKay," Anne replied. "Do you have anything helpful to add?"  
  
"The device doesn't have the power, but the EM field does. This whole planet has a strange magnetic field and the Ancients tapped into that. Instead of making technology go haywire, it overloads technology that was built specifically to compensate for it. It's basically raw power in the air. I suspect that the Sheppard that Ronon shot isn't even real, but a cleaver manipulation of fields to produce an image and manipulate matter."  
  
"A hologram?" Allison asked.  
  
"If you want to oversimplify things, then yes," McKay replied. Anne was happy not to have to actually see his put-upon, sour face.   
  
"I'll oversimplify," Anne replied. "A hologram Sheppard kidnapped Dr. Keller because in order to Ascend Sheppard needs to get his secrets out into the open?"  
  
McKay snorted. "Which of course means that Jennifer is doomed, because getting Sheppard to reveal anything personal is like a land war in Asia: you can never win."  
  
"Can you shut the device down?" Anne asked. She didn't want to hear her CO's secrets anymore than he wanted to tell them. In fact, she'd long suspected that she should never ask, because Sheppard couldn't tell. The question was what kidnapping Dr. Keller had to do with all of this, other than the fact that if someone was going to get kidnapped, it was always Dr. Keller.  
  
"I'll see what I can do," McKay replied.  
  
***  
  
  
Teyla looked down at John worriedly. His knee was swollen to the size of a cabassa fruit and the wound on his arm was hot with infection. The most disturbing thing, however, was the fact that he remained unconscious.  
  
  
"John?" she asked, shaking him a little.   
  
She held her breath but was rewarded by a hand weakly swatting at her where she gripped his good arm. "He is awake!" Teyla yelled, knowing that Rodney would need the news.  
  
  
"What happened?" John groaned. "Who stunned me?"  
  
  
Teyla frowned. "We were hoping you could tell us, John. Corporal Hendricks found you unconscious."  
  
"Keller?"  
  
"She was not with you. Ronon is watching her and something that looks like you that has taken her."  
  
  
"I know," he groaned, trying to sit up. Teyla eventually helped him, shoving a backpack behind him to keep him propped up. "It took Keller. I tried to run after it, but my knee gave out. I followed the trail but then it felt like I got hit by a stunner blast. Next think I know, I'm waking here." Ronon had stunned the thing the looked like John. That could explain how he came to be unconscious. Maybe something with John's ATA connection to the machine.  
  
  
"There is a machine here, designed to help a person Ascend. It calls for a person to divulge his secrets," Teyla said. She honestly dreaded the effects of such a machine. John was a very private man and though it often bothered Teyla, it was not her right, or the right of others, to force John to be more open against his will  
  
"Shut it off!" John ordered. He looked more distressed than Teyla had seen him in most combat situations. She gave his good arm a comforting squeeze.  
  
"Rodney and Dr. Porter are trying, but because it is powered by the planet's magnetic field, they are not having much success. If you can end this with a word, I suggest you do so. The other you has already harmed Dr. Keller and we do not know if it is capable of more. It will not speak, so you must."  
  
John shook his head. "I can't."  
  
Teyla had suspicions about the nature of John's secret. She'd known him for six years now. She fought by his side, named her child after him, loved him as deeply as a person could love another without a romantic bond and she felt she knew him inside out. It was no secret that he disliked Jennifer Keller, but John was a good man. He would not let Jennifer die. "John, I know you're reticent, but Jennifer's life is at stake."  
  
John shook his head. "McKay will shut the device off." Of course. John always put his faith in Rodney to save the day. Teyla always dreaded the day when Rodney did not come through for him. She hoped that today was not that day.  
  
Teyla set her jaw. It was unfair for John to expect Rodney solve everything when the only thing that stood between life and death for Jennifer was mere words. "Whatever animosity you clearly harbor towards Jennifer is causing this device to harm her. It has clawed at her face. She's frightened and hurt and the thing that has her is bringing her back here to confront you. Night is falling. John, please."  
  
John sighed. "Tell Ronon to shoot it." Of course John would rather die himself than confess what Teyla suspected were strong feelings of jealousy towards Jennifer. Teyla could not come up with any other reasons for the animosity. She genuinely liked Jennifer and had suspected that John would too, given a chance.  
  
"Ronon stunned it, to no effect. It appears you received the effects of the stun blast instead. Sergeant Mendez thinks the wound on your arm is from a gunshot. You shot the thing that attacked you but wounded yourself."  
  
"Tell him to shoot it," John insisted.  
  
"No," Teyla replied in the firmest way she knew how, trying to channel Charin at her most commanding. "You will not risk yourself further injury simply because you do not want to talk."  
  
Suddenly, two of the marines that had been pulling on the rope that went into the hole finally succeed in yanking Rodney out. "Is he okay?" Rodney asked, rushing up to John. John looked away, gasping and squirming against Teyla's grasp. John didn't want to see Rodney, which only confirmed Teyla's suspicions. She had suspected that John preferred men for some time now, and it wasn't a large step from there to conclude he especially preferred Rodney.   
  
  
"John, does your secret somehow involved Rodney and Jennifer? If it does, you need to tell him."  
  
"No," John replied. Teyla could see by the stubborn glint in his eyes that she was right.   
  
"John, you know it is the right thing to do," she admonished. "You must confess your feelings for your own good as well as to stop this situation."  
  
  
"What feelings?" Rodney asked, oblivious as usual. "And what is it with bad things dressing up as you?" Rodney knelt down next to John, putting a hand on his arm. "What's the matter? Are you all right?"  
  
Teyla observed the two of them. That look of worry and concern on Rodney's face was familiar, but just as haunting. How could John think that telling Rodney of his feelings would hurt him? Rodney clearly cared. Even if things between them were not how Teyla suspected, Rodney would never abandon his place by John's side.  
  
"I'm fine," John whispered. He was always fine, even if it was obvious to them all exactly how much he was really hurting.  
  
Rodney rolled his eyes. "Yes, yes, only a flesh wound. If that's how you want to play it, Colonel Stoic, fine, but get your doppelganger to let go of my girlfriend and we'll call it a day."  
  
"Rodney, I'm sorry, I don't--"  
  
"Fuck you, John! I know you don't like to talk about your feelings, but this thing attacked you and it attacked Jennifer and if it takes a turn like that beast you faced in the Cloister, then we're all in danger, so suck it up and say whatever you have to say so we can go home relatively unharmed."  
  
"Rodney," John began, but was interrupted by Ronon on the radio.  
  
"We're approaching your position," Ronon announced. "The thing is getting restless. If you can fix it, McKay, do it now, because--"  
  
Ronon's voice cut off with some loud grunts and the sound of a struggle. Teyla could easily identify the sound of a fistfight. Ronon's sounds were distinctive, but the other fighter did not use John's signature style. The consciousness that controlled it must be hidden in John somewhere, because it clearly lacked John's careful restraint.   
  
  
Something slammed down, accompanied by the sounds of harsh breathing. Teyla knew before he spoke that Ronon had been defeated.  
  
  
"Ronon!" Rodney shouted into his earpiece. "Ronon, what's happening?"  
  
A few panted breaths and a moment later Ronon replied. "Thing took me by surprise. It has my gun."  
  
Rodney's eyes went wide with a look of shear terror. Teyla felt it too. She'd once joked that John Sheppard would rather die before he talked about his feelings. She really hoped that she had been wrong, but the tight knot in her stomach belied that hope.  
  
  
"John," she whispered. "You must tell Rodney,  _now_."  
  
  
***  
  
  
The thing, Sheppard, whatever it was, finally bothered to yank the gag from Jennifer's face. It's skin felt cold, like a reptile and though it's chest moved up and down, she didn't feel a breath warm on her cheek like she should.  
  
  
She'd heard about what Sheppard had done to the Genii during the storm, but she'd found it hard to reconcile those deaths with the flirtatious surfer-boy she often found in her care. Now, she could feel the cold-blooded killer withing him. And like one of those optical illusions, once she saw the hidden message, she couldn't stop.   
  
  
Sheppard came back from PX9-342 looking like he took a bath in a butcher's shop and none of the blood had been his own. He'd starved Todd the Wraith practically to death and then convinced a man to kill himself in order to save Rodney's sister. She'd been grateful at the time, because she didn't want Rodney to have to lose his sister, but now it sent chills up her spine.  
  
  
This Thing was Sheppard, even if it wasn't flesh and blood. And in its dark eyes there was murder. And no remorse. The only reason it hadn't snapped her neck yet was because it wanted to do it in front of Rodney. She could feel it.   
  
  
It had smiled when it cut her face with its bare hands. It have even licked just a small amount of the blood form its fingers with a satisfied purr, like a cat lapping it milk. Unlike the Sheppard she'd once seen in her dreams, the sadistic pleasure wasn't an act to provoke her terror. It was more authentic than any of the fake smiles she'd ever seen on Sheppard's face.  
  
  
Sheppard said he wanted to do what was best for Rodney, but if that were true, he would have made more of an effort with Jennifer. Rodney said all those teasing emails and death threats with lemons had been just part of their friendship. He'd said that insults were how John said he liked someone, but Jennifer had always hated the edge of cruelty she'd detected in the taunts. She'd told herself that boys would be boys, but now it was clear. Somewhere deep down, Sheppard was creating this monster and that monster wanted Jennifer dead and Rodney to suffer for ever having known her.  
  
  
She screamed, trying to pull away, but the Thing kept Ronon's blaster held tight to her neck, growling.  
  
"It has the gun to Keller's head," Ronon shouted into his radio. "Get backup."  
  
  
The Thing didn't react. Instead it moved its hand to grip Jennifer's neck, tight enough to choke off her screaming. When she stopped, it released and petted her. She couldn't see its face, but she felt the smile against her cheek where it held her tight.  
  
  
"Jennifer," Ronon said. "Calm down. Don't move."  
  
  
Ronon moved in closer, but the Thing hissed at him, warning him to keep back.   
  
  
"It doesn't want to hurt you, Ronon," Jenifer whimpered. "Just stay away."  
  
  
Big surprise, Ronon didn't listen. He darted in, but the Thing easily evaded him, firing a warning shot close enough to singe Ronon's dreadlocks before returning the gun to Jennifer. The smell of burning hair permeated the woods, choking Jennifer with fear like she had never felt before. Even when she'd been captured by Kiryk, Jennifer had always felt that someone was coming for her, that Rodney or Ronon or even Colonel Sheppard would die before they let anything happen to her, but Ronon was here and he couldn't do anything. Rodney was working to disable the technology to no avail and Sheppard himself was the enemy.  
  
  
Then Major Teldy and a few of the marines burst into the clearing. Teldy didn't hesitate to hand Ronon a gun. They had the Thing covered from all angles, but it hadn't reacted to the stun before. Maybe it couldn't be killed and if it couldn't, then Jennifer was in the crossfire.  
  
  
She locked eyes with Ronon, remembering what he'd told her to do during a hostage situation. He nodded almost imperceptibly and she went boneless, expecting the thing to release her with the unexpected weight like how she'd practiced with Ronon, but it didn't. It stayed strong and stoic, the gun still pressed hard against her chin.  
  
  
"Dr. Keller," Teldy said, "Stay right where you are. It hasn't done anything to you yet. We just have to wait for Colonel Sheppard to shut it down." Why didn't she take the shot? Why didn't Ronon? It was obvious that the Thing was never going to let Jennifer go.  
  
  
"No," Jennifer whimpered, well aware that she sounded like a lost little girl and not caring one iota. Sheppard wouldn't shut it down. He hated her and she'd made him talk and he would rather have her dead and keep Rodney as his friend without having to pretend to like her.  
  
  
"All Colonel Sheppard has to do is release his burden. He's talking to Dr. McKay right now. Just stay calm. It's an Ascension machine." An Ascension machine like the one that had nearly killed Rodney? Jennifer didn't like those odds. She struggled, trying to pry the Thing's hands off her, but it was like fighting a robot. It was as hard as steel.  
  
  
"Stop fighting, Jennifer," Teldy ordered again. "Just relax and everything will be fine."  
  
  
Except everything wasn't fine. "Ronon, I want you to shoot--" came Sheppard's voice over the radio. Jennifer finally let the tears that had been welling up in her eyes this entire time lose. She wanted this to be over. She still didn't understand why Ronon hadn't taken the shot.  
  
  
"Nobody shoot!" Rodney interrupted. "He's crazy. If you fire whatever biofeedback loop that thing is generating will kill him!"   
  
  
Jennifer both hated Rodney and admired his empathy at the same time. She was his girlfriend. He should be more concerned about her welfare than Sheppard's. But, on the other hand, Sheppard didn't deserve to die, even if this Thing was just his inner sociopath.  
  
"Ronon," Sheppard's voice returned. "If you kill me, that thing will go away. I want you to do it." And Jennifer found that she wanted Ronon to do it too. She was only twenty-six. She had a successful medical career in front of her, a boyfriend who loved her, a father who depended on her, a full long life when she planned to have a family and see Earth again and use all the insights she'd gained working in Pegasus to ease the suffering of people on Earth. She deserved to live. She was too young to die and she was just over this - the Pegasus Galaxy, getting kidnapped every other mission she went on, sitting on her hands and wondering if Rodney would come back in one piece, dealing with his stupid man-crush on Colonel Sheppard.  
  
  
Sheppard had said himself that he didn't deserve to live when it was his life against someone younger. But Sheppard had saved lives too. Maybe more than Jennifer ever could. And she could be replaced by any other doctor. Sheppard was the child of the Ancients. But he didn't  _want_  it. He didn't fight for life, but threw himself at death every chance he got. She'd choose herself over him. Sheppard would choose to save Jennifer. But Rodney. Rodney would never choose Jennifer first. She knew it somehow deep down and she let out pitiful moan just thinking about it. It hurt more than the throbbing wounds on her cheeks or the fact that she might die. That the man she loved wouldn't do the one thing it took to save her, which was just to keep his mouth shut.  
  
  
_Shoot_ , she begged in her head. End it. Maybe inside she was just as sick as the Thing because Sheppard's death would be a relief. Without him, she and Rodney would have a perfect life together. They'd even be free to move back to Earth to start a family if she wanted. This would all be over. The curtain a swan song and some tears but then life would pick up where this terrible space adventure ended.  
  
  
But of course Rodney would never make things easy. "Don't listen to him, Ronon! This is one of the orders you're not supposed to follow!"  
  
  
Ronon looked determined, but torn. His finger hesitate on the trigger. Jennifer's heart pounded in anticipation. Could Ronon kill the man who had rescued him from a life of running? Ronon might have loved her once, but he, too, had always been under Sheppard's spell.  
  
  
"Don't fire," Teldy ordered. "Maybe we can reason with it."  
  
  
"Already tried," Ronon grunted.  
  
  
Sure, if Ronon saying telling a Thing that wasn't Sheppard that it wasn't like Sheppard so it should let Jennifer go counted as reasoning.  
  
  
"You have a purpose," Teldy said, stepping forward and lowering her weapon. The other marines kept their weapons trained on the Thing. "You are here to help Colonel Sheppard Ascend. You know he can't do that if he's responsible for someone's death. You won't be helping him."  
  
  
The Thing didn't move, but the gun to Jennifer's temple backed off just a little.  
  
  
"Give me the gun," Teldy said.  
  
  
The thing shook its head.  
  
  
"He won't tell. So you need to end this. He isn't ready."  
  
  
The Thing tightened its grip on Jennifer once again.   
  
  
"No!" Teldy shouted, realizing her mistake. "Don't hurt her. I'll radio again. I'll tell him that he has to grow as a person or whatever you want. He'll do it. A life is at stake and you know that's how to get to him. That's why you're threatening her. Just wait!"  
  
  
The Thing's grip tightened until Jennifer could barely breathe. The gun dug into the soft skin of Jennifer's temple hard enough to bruise. She let out a sob, preparing to die for Sheppard's emotional immaturity.   
  
  
She'd seen so many die on the operating table or just before it. She'd stopped wondering what they saw. The burden of that ontological uncertainty was just too great. Heaven existed, she reminded herself. If not Ascension, then Heaven like in Sunday school.  
  
  
She clamped her eyes shut and waited for the shot to come.  
  
  
***  
  
  
John trembled, trying to ignore the pain in his arm and knee. He wanted to bolt to his feet, to pace, but he knew it wouldn't do any good. Motion, killing, planning, action, were all things he was good at. He was that guy. But talking? He couldn't talk. Ronon was there fighting a figment generated by John's own sick mind and John could stop it with a few little words, if only he had the courage. Silence had served him well his whole life. He didn't even know what he would be without his secrets.  
  
  
_Off_  he thought at the nearby machine.  _Stop. Don't kill her._  
  
  
He wasn't surprised at the response. It was the feeling he called the Total Perspective Vortex, which showed his childish desire to keep his secrets against what he presumed was the great benefit of being an all knowing omnipotent being if he would just sit his silly mortal ass down, shut up and learn from the stupid Ancient machine that wanted him to Ascend.  
  
  
"It has the gun to Keller's head," Ronon shouted over the radio. "Get backup."  
  
  
The marines and Teldy scrambled up, following a life signs detector out into the forest.   
  
"John," Rodney's voice shook. He had that look of overwhelming terror in his eyes that always made John's heart skip a beat.  
  
  
John didn't want Keller hurt, or worse, but he didn't know what he could say to make it stop. He could have to tell his whole life story and then people would  _know_  and he wasn't ready for that. He hadn't even been able to share with his wife  
  
  
"Please," Rodney pleaded. "It's been a while since I asked for anything big. Since, um, Doranda, in fact, even though we agreed never to mention that. But I know I've earned your trust back and I'd like to think we're friends and--"  
  
"We are friends, Rodney. I just," John's breath caught. He could barely breath, the walls were closing in. There was no choice. He'd have to tell. He couldn't let Keller die. Rodney would never forgive him. He could never forgive himself. He looked at Teyla, pleadingly.   
  
"I will wait over there with Sergeant Mehra and Dr. Porter," Teyla said with a nod. "I trust you will tell Rodney what you need to John. I promise, everything will be all right." She gave John's hand a supportive squeeze before leaving, but John couldn't see how everything would be all right, not when things would  _change_  so drastically.  
  
John's throat felt dry. His heart pounded in his chest. He couldn't tell Rodney. Their friendship would be over. Even if Rodney could accept John's stupid crush, John wouldn't be able to behave normally if Rodney knew. Things would be awkward, especially after John's alter-ego kidnapped Rodney's soon-to-be fiancé and cut her goddamned face. Rodney might never forgive him.   
  
"If you're going to do something, now would be the time, sir," Teldy's voice said over the radio. "It's making this growling sound. I think it will do it."  
  
"Something has a gun to my girlfriend's head and you still won't trust me enough to talk to me!" Rodney shouted.   
  
"I trust you," John insisted. After Doranda he hadn't been mad at Rodney for blowing up a solar system so much as he'd been mad at himself for letting his feelings for Rodney overwhelm his better judgement.  
  
"Come on, John. The world won't come to an end. Just release your burden or whatever you have to do. I promise I won't think any less of you, John, please."  
  
John gulped. He couldn't resist that voice and that look of genuine pain. Maybe a sick, jealous, sadistic part of him did want Keller dead. Maybe it would be a relief. Maybe if that was John's darkness he didn't deserve to live. He couldn't tell Rodney. He deserved to have a happy life with Keller and John and his secret were just in the way.  
  
John reached for his radio. "Ronon, I want you to shoot--"  
  
Rodney grabbed John's hand, activating his own radio and shouting, "Nobody shoot! He's crazy. If you fire whatever biofeedback loop that thing is generating will kill him!"  
  
"Ronon," John wrestled his hand away from Rodney to hit the transmit button. "If you kill me, that thing will go away. I want you to do it."  
  
"Don't listen to him, Ronon! This is one of the orders you're not supposed to follow!" Rodney shouted. Then, Rodney did something John never expected him to do. He hit John, hard, slapping him across the face. "Keeping your secrets is not worth your  _life_ , you asshole. You are not going to let your inability to talk kill my girlfriend and you are not going to let it take my best friend away from me. John," Rodney had tears in his eyes now. His voice cracked and strained. "Don't do this. Don't make me choose."  
  
John remembered the promise he'd made to Jennifer. She was right at least that Rodney loved both of them and he deserved to have both of them in his life. "I'm sorry."  
  
"Here," Rodney whispered. "I'll go first. When I was ten I was jealous of my baby sister so I put her in a basket on our neighbor's porch, but came back to get her half an hour later. I hacked into my state police records so I wouldn't have to pay 27 parking tickets. I think Zelenka is almost as smart as I am and I may have, once or twice, used his inspiration on a problem and called it my own. I had sex with Dr. Merrit, my thesis advisor when I was underage so he'd give me extra lab hours. I deserved to go to Siberia for who I was before, but I'm trying to be a better person now. I knew I was manipulating your friendship with that whole stupid Doranda thing. You're the best friend I've ever had and I love you and if something ever happens to you, I will build a goddamned time machine so I can get you back. No wait, you already know that, so stop being an asshole and just tell me. Make that thing go away and I'll tell you every secret I have."  
  
John whimpered. He didn't know why he was so afraid. They were just words. Sticks and stones and all that. "Rodney, I," he gulped. He could do this. "I'm gay."  
  
Rodney laughed. "That's it? That's not so bad. Do you really think anybody cares? Just so long as you're not going to start singing Cher songs on our missions, nothing will change. And I won't tell anybody. It'll be--"  
  
"That's not it, Rodney. I'm gay and I don't want you to marry Keller. I want you to, um, be with me." John gasped. It was finally out there. Rodney knew and there was no going back.   
  
Rodney opened and closed his mouth a few times, looking like he wanted to speak, but nothing came out.  
  
"Whatever it was just disappeared," Teldy announced over the radio, startling both John and Rodney. "I think Dr. Keller's in shock, so Hendricks, Stevens, Ronon and I are heading straight for the gate. Mendez and Robinson are going to deliver the vaccine to the village. Everything good on your end?"  
  
"We're all in one piece," John answered, gently pushing Rodney back and stumbling to his feet.  
  
"The device seems to have shut down," Porter added from where she'd been taking readings near the hole John had fallen into not that long ago. It felt like ages - one epoch before he'd divulged his secret and one after.  
  
Rodney looked shocked, his expression frozen somewhere between shock, wonder, and disbelief. John nudged him a little. "Rodney, it's time to go. We can talk about this later. Or not." John really hoped not.  
  
Rodney startled back to life, fussing over John and dragging John's arm over his shoulder so John wouldn't have to put too much pressure on the bum knee. They stayed silent, trailing behind Teyla and Porter and Mehra on the long trip back towards the gate.  
  
Night fell fast and while Ronon and a few of the marines pushed onwards to get Keller into medical care, Teldy came back to help them set up camp for the night.  
  
John was surprised when Rodney tossed his sleeping bag into the tent with John. John knew he was in for eight hours without sleep, but Teldy was insistent that he needed rest and that she and Mehra and Teyla could perfectly take care of watch.   
  
Rodney did his usually complaining, rustling, rolling into a comfortable position routine before settling on his back next to John. "You really meant that?" he whispered.  
  
John rolled his eyes. So much for not talking about it. "It made the device turn off, didn't it?"  
  
Rodney sighed. "I lied when I said things wouldn't change."  
  
"I figured as much." John had been worrying about it for hours. How were they even going to work together? "We can switch the teams up, if you like. You could go with Lorne. Maybe take Ronon with you. I messed up my knee pretty good, so it's a good excuse to take some leave on Earth. I think we can be professional if we just give each other some space."  
  
"You idiot," Rodney replied, rolling over again so now he was lying on his side, hovering above John. "I'm not going to want to see you any less." Even in the darkness, Rodney's eyes sparkled. "You just picked exactly the wrong time to tell me this. I was going to ask Jennifer to marry me."  
  
"You should still do it. She's expecting it."  
  
Rodney snorted. "And always wonder what I could've had with you?"  
  
"Rodney, you're straight."  
  
Rodney laughed at that. "I spill my guts to you and entirely miss the fact that I slept with my  _male_  thesis advisor."  
  
John remembered Rodney saying that, but he'd been so freaked out at the time that it hadn't registered. "To get more lab time."  
  
Rodney shrugged. "It wasn't exactly a hardship. Merrit was a good teacher in more ways than one. Plus, there's the one secret I didn't tell you."  
  
"Yeah?" John asked, hope suddenly flowering like a delicate, impossible thing in his chest.  
  
Rodney leaned down, placing a gentle kiss on John's lips. "I've always wanted to do that. But I thought  _you_  were straight."  
  
John smiled, feeling joy like he'd only felt flying, free. Maybe the Ancients had it right about burdens and secrets and things. He pushed himself up a little to capture Rodney's lips again, deepening the kiss until he could barely hold back a groan.   
  
Rodney pulled away looking flushed but not entirely happy. "But since there needs to be a gun to your head before you'll express you deep pining for me."  
  
"I wasn't pining."  
  
Rodney rolled his eyes. "Fine, your stoic manly secret desire for me. Since you only bothered to tell me now, after I finally found a woman I wanted to settle down with, we have a problem."  
  
John's heart sank. "I'm sorry."  
  
"I know you are, and you're going to be paying me back in blowjobs for a long time. But right now, no matter how much I might want to rip your clothes off, I'm not doing anything until I settle things with Jennifer."  
  
Rodney reached over and gave John's cock just enough of a squeeze to make him really interested. "Sleep on that, asshole," Rodney replied even as he cuddled up next to John's good arm, pulling John close with an arm around John's waist and falling into a snoring slumber before John could even protest.  
  
***  
  
Jennifer watched Colonel Sheppard get wheeled out of the infirmary by Ronon, headed for his quarters to rest. She was glad to see him gone. She didn't want to admit it to anyone, especially when he looked so peaceful sleeping in the bed beside her, but Jennifer couldn't sleep with him around. It had been his face that had grinned down at her malevolently and his hands that had wound around her neck and his fingers that had scratched deep into the flesh of her cheeks. Luckily one of the Ancient devices they'd found was remarkable at treating scarring. She'd convince Dr. Biro to discharge her today and after a few weeks of light duty they could use the device and she'd be good as new so long as nothing happened.  
  
Except for the fact that Sheppard would still be here and she'd still have to see him, work with him, and watch him walking down the corridors to take her by surprise at any second. Jennifer didn't think she could live with that. Even though her friends were here now and she honestly loved the city for more than just the people in it, she didn't think she could face the man who'd hurt her like that. She'd been so afraid but everyone seemed to think everything was fine. Sheppard had conquered his demons, Jennifer would recover. Rodney seemed nervous, but no worse for his best friend nearly killing his girlfriend. Sheppard himself had been practically giddy, meaning that whatever secret he'd told Rodney couldn't have been all that bad. How could he have gambled her life for something that changed nothing between them? She didn't believe what Allison told her about the Ascension machine. Jennifer knew the machine's true purpose - to bring subconscious desires to life. That was the only explanation.  
  
She'd promised Sheppard that she wouldn't do anything to interfere with his friendship with Rodney, but he'd cut her face and held her at gunpoint, mediated by Ancient machine or not. At this point, Jennifer considered any promise she'd made to the man void.  
  
Sheppard had always scared her a little with his dark side and now that she knew what he was truly capable of if let loose with no restrictions on his desires, she didn't think she could obey his orders any more. He wasn't the good man she thought he was, because the real secret hadn't been whatever he'd told Rodney. The real secret had been what lengths he'd go to not to reveal himself. The secret was that the creature that had taken her hostage was more Sheppard that the smiling, slouching facade that he used to lure people in and Jennifer wanted nothing to do with him.  
  
  
Resolved, Jennifer pulled up the tablet computer they'd allowed her to work on. She didn't feel the need to express why she had to leave. She didn't want counseling so she could work with Sheppard and she didn't want to drag his name through the mud by making a fuss. He had served Atlantis well and she had no right to call that into question. She wouldn't be a victim.  
  
  
She just copied a letter one of her nurses had written her a few months ago when the stress of her position had gotten to her, changed the names and dates and gave it her electronic signature. Apathy seemed to drown her and Jennifer was grateful for it's comforting blanket of emptiness. It was better than sorrow and far better than fear.  
  
She paused for a second, wondering about Rodney, but she wouldn't be terrorized every day so he could stay in the city. He could come with her or not. Sure, she'd be a little heartbroken if he chose the city over her, but at this point she honestly didn't care. She was tired of being afraid and this was the straw that broke the camel's back. If Rodney couldn't see Sheppard for what he really was, than it was Rodney's problem. She was tired of making excuses for him. She'd love him flaws and all if he'd let her, but Jennifer had a feeling that Rodney was just as incapable of leaving this place as she was of staying.  
  
Jennifer attached the letter to an email to Mr. Woolsey and pressed send. No going back.  
  
Not a minute later, Rodney walked in the door, looking incredibly nervous and wringing his hands. It was kind of cute and Jennifer had to smile, but she was exhausted and not really in the mood for whatever fumbling comfort Rodney would try to offer her.  
  
But instead of some awkward interrogation about how she was and if she'd be okay, he surprised her by saying, "We have to talk."  
  
"I was about to say the same thing."


End file.
